Having a platform to write is a very powerful thing. Sometimes I feel immense pressure to write something beautiful and innovative. I have so many unpublished drafts of work but I never hit the publish button because I don’t feel like they will stand out.
Realizing that this blog is for my own self exploration is finally dawning on me. I am not writing these posts for anyone but myself. Writing is my therapy it’s not for the views or the likes. It’s for me to target my demons and face them head on by writing my feelings out. I want to be able to look back on these posts and see how far I’ve come.
So right now I am in the middle of finals. For me it’s ever been filled with all nighters or crazy nights without sleep. Maybe that’s just because I get so anxious I can’t put work off. This semester has taught me so much not only academically but also about myself. I realize that I can only handle so much. It’s time I start doing things for myself and no one else.
Once I finish my finals i’m moving out and going home. It’s time that I leave this toxic place that has caused me so much mental distress. Sometimes I feel like a quitter for transferring then I remember crying at night because I was so unhappy. It’s not my fault this school didn’t work out for me. I can’t force something that isn’t there. I met the love of my life in Philadelphia, that’s what I will always remember, not all these days wasted crying over a city that never cared about me.
When I get home i’m gonna make an appointment with my therapist, I think that I need to talk it out with someone. There’s definitely something deep inside me that is restless and unhappy. I can’t pinpoint what it is but it needs to change for me to feel genuinely happy again.
Here’s to realizing that some things only hurt you and not help you no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.