Ruined

I’ve started this one thousand times over.

No words sound right.

I can’t make a good story that I think will be interesting.

This is all wrong.

Who am I trying to be.

So let’s start from the beginning.

There are things in this world that make your heart have this funny feeling.

The middle of your chest starts to tingle and you get those nervous feelings.

For me that was always you.

The one thing that I liked the most that also did everything but kill me.

It goes like every other story,

Girl meets boy. Boy flirts with girl. Girl doesn’t know how to react.

Boy kisses the girl. Girl falls for him. Boy kisses every other girl he meets.

Girl makes excuses. Boy breaks her heart and her spirit along with it.

 If you’re reading this that means that I got the guts to finally show this to you, or I’m dead.

Maybe now is the time to tell you that I loved you.

 But you already knew that didn’t you?

You liked having me fall all over you.

Crying over you.

Made you feel important because your parents thought you were so fucked up that you wanted to feel like someone that everyone wanted.

I’m also here to tell you that you ruined me.

I didn’t know in 8th grade that you would actually destroy me but if I did I think I would still kiss you that night anyway.

You thought I was funny because I hadn’t heard about you and what you did to every girl.

You were the bad boy that every girl fawned over, and I did just that when we met.

Maybe that was my fault but maybe you’re the one to blame for what happened after that.

I made you feel good, feel important.

I made you a priority.

I never had a crush before, no one that I would put on extra makeup on for.

No one that I would wear my nice jean shorts for.

None of that.

Little did I know that I was falling for the most toxic person ever.

You smiled at me and made me feel pretty. Or in your words “hot”.

I had never felt wanted before, my father didn’t care about me and I thought that I was truly alone.

I can’t remember a lot of what happened through those years but what I do remember is the day you said that we could date.

I was so happy; I always see this picture of myself blushing on my bed.

Then I remember running away from you at the end of the day because you were gonna kiss me and I was scared of what everyone would say.

We broke up then.

But that wasn’t the last of us.

Freshman year I don’t remember a lot. But sophomore year I do.

I needed you the most that year. I was going through a lot and that was the time when my anxiety truly came out to shine.

I went over to your house a lot.

And as I sit here typing this I can feel my heart breaking for my 10th grade self because this was the year you truly trampled all over me.

You took my heart and you twisted it into what you wanted and when you were done with it you threw it on the ground.

In those shining moments with you I felt like a new person. I was laughing and smiling and I couldn’t stop.

You put me first for the first time since I’d known you.

I was stupid to think that it would last.

Maybe I was too much for you. Maybe I was never what you wanted.

I was too easy, I wanted you too much.

So we let go.

I faltered and I fell so hard.

I tried to bounce out of it.

But I would just fall harder every time.

Breaking myself, piece by piece.

I would see you in the halls and I was so triggered by you.

You could see it on my face.

You knew how hurt I was.

Or maybe you didn’t at all.

I want to try and understand you but I can’t.

I could never destroy someone like you did.

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