Blog

October 29th

Not sure how time has passed by so fast.

I’m having whiplash trying to remember everything that has been going on. But I cant even piece it all together. It’s too much to think about all the heartbreak i’ve suffered since the last time I wrote.

I guess now i’m writing because I can feel all these things crashing down on me and i’m so insecure I don’t know how to handle it all. I’ve always been the girl that craved the attention of guys. But it was always subtle. I never made a big deal about it to other people but it would always eat me alive if a guy didn’t like me back. I felt so worthless about it all. What was wrong with me? Is it because i’m not pretty enough? Is there someone better? Of course there was.

I’m so insecure in myself. I can’t be alone, I can’t not talk to anyone. That would be too hard to face up to and that’s not something that I want. Thinking about all the idiot guys I talked to for attention makes me sick.

Sick for myself, sick for my parents, sick for the guys I strung along just for that extra attention.

Now I find myself pining for guys who I don’t even know if I like. Just the warm feeling I get knowing that someone likes me has become addicting. I crave it on my worst days, because I know that I can’t fix my days so maybe someone can distract me enough that I won’t have to focus on it.

Even reading that back I can’t believe that I do that. I like to think I am so strong, but I think that this is my weakest quality.

I am not sure how to even grow from here. I would have to accept on another level that this is how I am. That this is how I act towards other people.

As of now, I need to understand that i’ll never love someone else if I can’t even love who I am. If I can’t love myself on a singular level and not just when i’m getting attention from a guy.

Heres to hope.

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slipping.

20.

halfway to 40.

ive reached a new decade.

time to evaluate where im going, what i want as a human.

am i making the right choices?

ill never know, and maybe thats the fun in being 20.

its a time to explore,

see yourself in a new light, whatever light you want to.

in my 20’s with no plan, no love, and only a dream

and ive never felt so alive,

like i could do anything.

thats because i can.

thats because i will.

xoxo, catch you wherever life takes me.

Ruined

I’ve started this one thousand times over.

No words sound right.

I can’t make a good story that I think will be interesting.

This is all wrong.

Who am I trying to be.

So let’s start from the beginning.

There are things in this world that make your heart have this funny feeling.

The middle of your chest starts to tingle and you get those nervous feelings.

For me that was always you.

The one thing that I liked the most that also did everything but kill me.

It goes like every other story,

Girl meets boy. Boy flirts with girl. Girl doesn’t know how to react.

Boy kisses the girl. Girl falls for him. Boy kisses every other girl he meets.

Girl makes excuses. Boy breaks her heart and her spirit along with it.

 If you’re reading this that means that I got the guts to finally show this to you, or I’m dead.

Maybe now is the time to tell you that I loved you.

 But you already knew that didn’t you?

You liked having me fall all over you.

Crying over you.

Made you feel important because your parents thought you were so fucked up that you wanted to feel like someone that everyone wanted.

I’m also here to tell you that you ruined me.

I didn’t know in 8th grade that you would actually destroy me but if I did I think I would still kiss you that night anyway.

You thought I was funny because I hadn’t heard about you and what you did to every girl.

You were the bad boy that every girl fawned over, and I did just that when we met.

Maybe that was my fault but maybe you’re the one to blame for what happened after that.

I made you feel good, feel important.

I made you a priority.

I never had a crush before, no one that I would put on extra makeup on for.

No one that I would wear my nice jean shorts for.

None of that.

Little did I know that I was falling for the most toxic person ever.

You smiled at me and made me feel pretty. Or in your words “hot”.

I had never felt wanted before, my father didn’t care about me and I thought that I was truly alone.

I can’t remember a lot of what happened through those years but what I do remember is the day you said that we could date.

I was so happy; I always see this picture of myself blushing on my bed.

Then I remember running away from you at the end of the day because you were gonna kiss me and I was scared of what everyone would say.

We broke up then.

But that wasn’t the last of us.

Freshman year I don’t remember a lot. But sophomore year I do.

I needed you the most that year. I was going through a lot and that was the time when my anxiety truly came out to shine.

I went over to your house a lot.

And as I sit here typing this I can feel my heart breaking for my 10th grade self because this was the year you truly trampled all over me.

You took my heart and you twisted it into what you wanted and when you were done with it you threw it on the ground.

In those shining moments with you I felt like a new person. I was laughing and smiling and I couldn’t stop.

You put me first for the first time since I’d known you.

I was stupid to think that it would last.

Maybe I was too much for you. Maybe I was never what you wanted.

I was too easy, I wanted you too much.

So we let go.

I faltered and I fell so hard.

I tried to bounce out of it.

But I would just fall harder every time.

Breaking myself, piece by piece.

I would see you in the halls and I was so triggered by you.

You could see it on my face.

You knew how hurt I was.

Or maybe you didn’t at all.

I want to try and understand you but I can’t.

I could never destroy someone like you did.

Nikki

When people tell you that one day someone will walk into your life and change it forever I never believed them.

Partly because i’m a pessimist but also because I didn’t think there was a person out there who could do that.

I was wrong.

For my sorority we went through the big/little process and I was so unsure as to who I wanted to be my big. I went on “dates” with some people and kind of tried to piece together some names.

We had to give a list of our top three with no specific order, Nikki’s wasn’t even on my list.

I had no idea who Nikki even was at this time, I mean I knew of her and her amazing Instagram but that was it.

So when the reveal day came I had no expectations. I watched all the girls go in front of me and all of the girls in my top three had gotten their littles.

At this point I was trying to keep calm.

I walked up to the curtain and when it finally dropped Nikki flew into my arms and that’s when I knew something was right.

I had never just clung to someone like that.

Then Nikki and I got to talking about a lot of personal things.

We quickly realized that we were so similar in the way that we function.

We both deal with a lot of anxiety and depression and handling that for the both of us is an exhausting process.

Just after talking with her once and already getting under the surface of ourselves was something that I was blown away by.

She truly shines this light whenever I see her. She can just look at me from across the room and I feel this overwhelming sense of calm. She makes it all okay.

We both struggle with life but there’s no one else that I would go to when I’m having a bad day.

When I transferred here I was so afraid.

I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I was tired of having all of this pressure on me.

Nikki made that all disappear. I’m not afraid to be alone anymore because I have someone who can truly see me for what I am.

We are both two very emotional people and can instantly cry just looking at each other but I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

Nikki, you have truly given me a purpose here at Susquehanna and in ADPi.

You have changed my world and my perspective and we are always learning through each other and I can’t thank you enough for just being there.

You make the really dark days a little brighter.

We don’t have it together, let’s face it we are emotional disasters.

But together you make me feel like I can accomplish anything and that’s something I can never repay you for.

Don’t ever change.

Liz

It’s over.

closure

distance

over thinking

they all cloud my brain

how could this happen to us?

i was so in love

and here we are

just done talking

after one year

its like it never happened

youre getting drunk

youre posting pictures to get a rise out of me

its disgusting

i never thought it would come to this

but

alas

i wanted this

i wanted to be free

and for the first time im not regretting breaking up with someone

it was the right move

no more crying

no more 3 hour train rides

no more fighting because your pride is too big for your body

its done

i have time to myself

i dont need to put anyone else first

commitment is never a scary word until you understand what it means

im the runaway bride

im not ashamed to say it

i understand that i hurt people and run

feels better then getting destroyed

im not strong enough to push past that

so here goes nothing

freedom

fresh air

single

exactly what i wanted

Trapped

Almost like choking,

you choke me with all of your words and your stories and your emotions,

I cant do it anymore.

Im not ready for this level of commitment anymore, I thought I was but obviously I need to take a step back.

I’m 19.

Just 19.

How am I supposed to know that you’re the one i’ll marry?

I can’t.

I won’t.

It’s time for me to spend some time alone. Time apart.

My brain needs a break, hell, I need a break.

I’m exhausted from all of this, but it’s scary.

I’m scared,

of what your friends will say,

of what your family will think,

I can’t think this way.

It’s not fair to me.

I’m tired of always sacrificing my own happiness,

I’m tired of choking on your words and feeling too scared to say anything about it.

It’s time to take a step back,

realize who I am again.

part 2

Having a platform to write is a very powerful thing. Sometimes I feel immense pressure to write something beautiful and innovative. I have so many unpublished drafts of work but I never hit the publish button because I don’t feel like they will stand out.

Realizing that this blog is for my own self exploration is finally dawning on me. I am not writing these posts for anyone but myself. Writing is my therapy it’s not for the views or the likes. It’s for me to target my demons and face them head on by writing my feelings out. I want to be able to look back on these posts and see how far I’ve come.

So right now I am in the middle of finals. For me it’s ever been filled with all nighters or crazy nights without sleep. Maybe that’s just because I get so anxious I can’t put work off. This semester has taught me so much not only academically but also about myself. I realize that I can only handle so much. It’s time I start doing things for myself and no one else.

Once I finish my finals i’m moving out and going home. It’s time that I leave this toxic place that has caused me so much mental distress. Sometimes I feel like a quitter for transferring then I remember crying at night because I was so unhappy. It’s not my fault this school didn’t work out for me. I can’t force something that isn’t there. I met the love of my life in Philadelphia, that’s what I will always remember, not all these days wasted crying over a city that never cared about me.

When I get home i’m gonna make an appointment with my therapist, I think that I need to talk it out with someone. There’s definitely something deep inside me that is restless and unhappy. I can’t pinpoint what it is but it needs to change for me to feel genuinely happy again.

Here’s to realizing that some things only hurt you and not help you no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

xo, Liz

special edition

Dear Mom,

I’m not really sure when our relationship changed but I do know that it changed my life forever. I guess this is just a thank you, for being there when no one else was. You were the only one that I could cry to when life got too hard to deal with. Through breakups, hating Philadelphia, and now transferring. Who else could I text and then have them call 5 different people just trying to figure out my latest mental breakdown. I call you every day not because i’m bored and need someone to talk to but because I just need to hear your voice and you tell me it’s all gonna be okay. You always answer with a cheery tone whether its the first or fifth time i’ve called you and you will never get how much that means to me.

So, thank you for helping me realize my own path and guiding me through it. Yes, I might have two parents but I will never love my dad like I love you. Mom, you truly are my saving grace every day. Life is hard when your parents are divorced but I never felt alone because I knew that no matter what I had my mom and I would never need anyone else.

Thank you for understanding that my first part of college was so shit and all I really needed was some help. All I strive for in life is to make you proud. Also, it’s important to know that moving out to Philly was so hard and I don’t cry every time I come back because I hate it, I think its because having my mom by my side makes me invincible. I can do anything or be anything with you by side.

When people used to tell me that my mom would end up being my hero I would laugh. I wanted so badly to feel independent but as I grow I realize that I never get another mother, especially one like you. You are my hero, and forever will be. It’s because of you that I get through my days. So, this is a thank you because you deserve it for putting up with me every day.

Love Always, Liz

 

part 1

Writing hurts. rupi kaur wrote a poem from Milk and Honey and it goes,

“the thing about writing is i can’t tell if it’s healing or destroying me”.

This really hit home for me, as I am a journalism major and I run a blog about my personal life. There’s something about writing all your feelings down that makes it real. Like reading it on paper means so much more than just thinking it. Writing can be cruel. I know that from experience, I’ve had two other personal blogs before this one and I had to delete them because reading back it just hurt me. At the time it was so important that I got what I was feeling written down but I have a hard time reading them back.

Maybe that makes me a coward. Running away from my feelings and just deleting them. I should own up to them. But, alas, i’m not that strong yet. One day maybe that will happen, I will be strong enough to face those demons that I am so good at dodging.

That feeling of anxiety creeps up on me out of nowhere and I think I should recognize it. My anxiety comes for a reason, that’s a warning sign. One that I choose to ignore often. But even when it’s going off like a fire alarm in my head I just stuff it down. I’m afraid of what will happen if I recognize it. Will I break? All that i’ve worked for will disappear. It will vanish into nothing like it wasn’t even there. I’ve made strides to control my thoughts but that could all shut down the moment I succumb to anxiety and it’s power.

But to get over anything you have to recognize it and figure it out. My anxiety comes in forms and instead of ignoring them I will look at them.

Here’s to the never ending fight to end anxiety.

Cheers

Intro

I wanted to make my first post about where I am in life right now. You guys are coming into my life at a very interesting time as I am going through major changes.

I have graduated high school and am now a sophomore at Temple University. But, alas, it won’t be for long as I am transferring to Susquehanna University in the spring. This decision has come from a lot of thought and crying. It was in no way easy to realize that something isn’t working after you’ve gone through your whole freshman year. Change is hard, especially when this change effects your whole life. My plan was to make Temple work, force myself to put on a strong face and accept my fate at this university. It wasn’t until I was hit in the face with mass amounts of anxiety that I realized that staying at a place where i’m this unhappy could be fatal.

So now i’m sort of in this limbo. I’m not only waiting to see if I got accepted to Susquehanna but i’m also just waiting to move out. I mean it’s hard. Worse than anyone can imagine. I’m putting up with something that isn’t permanent and I just have to deal with it. I don’t have a choice.

Admitting that you need to leave and that maybe you aren’t ready to leave home yet also is terrible. I mean I know that if I didn’t have this crippling mental disorder that my life would be so different. But I have to deal with this and I have to take medicine so that way my brain can process things normally. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I need help.

I’m working on becoming happy again. I think I was so far deep in my own anxiety that I thought it was normal. It’s not until you go home with your family and you realize what real happiness is. It wasn’t this fake persona I had to make it seem like I was happy for everyone else. This time, for the FIRST time, i’m going to do something for myself. Hopefully everyone can understand.