Not sure how time has passed by so fast.
I’m having whiplash trying to remember everything that has been going on. But I cant even piece it all together. It’s too much to think about all the heartbreak i’ve suffered since the last time I wrote.
I guess now i’m writing because I can feel all these things crashing down on me and i’m so insecure I don’t know how to handle it all. I’ve always been the girl that craved the attention of guys. But it was always subtle. I never made a big deal about it to other people but it would always eat me alive if a guy didn’t like me back. I felt so worthless about it all. What was wrong with me? Is it because i’m not pretty enough? Is there someone better? Of course there was.
I’m so insecure in myself. I can’t be alone, I can’t not talk to anyone. That would be too hard to face up to and that’s not something that I want. Thinking about all the idiot guys I talked to for attention makes me sick.
Sick for myself, sick for my parents, sick for the guys I strung along just for that extra attention.
Now I find myself pining for guys who I don’t even know if I like. Just the warm feeling I get knowing that someone likes me has become addicting. I crave it on my worst days, because I know that I can’t fix my days so maybe someone can distract me enough that I won’t have to focus on it.
Even reading that back I can’t believe that I do that. I like to think I am so strong, but I think that this is my weakest quality.
I am not sure how to even grow from here. I would have to accept on another level that this is how I am. That this is how I act towards other people.
As of now, I need to understand that i’ll never love someone else if I can’t even love who I am. If I can’t love myself on a singular level and not just when i’m getting attention from a guy.
Heres to hope.